I will change the old me

I do not know how to begin and from where to begin. Today is the seventh of 365 days and I'm still confused about my new resolution. Many of us were excited and many have adopted at least some kind of changes with new year. On the other hand there shall be a group of people who might be still in 2018, just like I am. 

Confused! But I think every moment is new and deserves new changes. I am also sure there is change, consistently occurring, every moment of our life. 

Nevertheless let me reflect seven days back and see how things have changed before I preplan my future for which I'll also be guilty, because of impermanence, if I do not get chance to execute. 

I rewind my memory, sadly not time, 7 days back from present. I can hardly recollect those gone moments. Those moments of wondrous in my little yet self-acclaimed bigger life. Of course last year began with same kind of celebration with an expectation that everything will be fine. To tell you: everything wasn't fine, it was just perfect in its own way. Like some of you, I was busy trying to escape any harmful situation. Even tried to avoid a little scratch on MY body. Hid everything dark and exposed a bright side, even if it was not worthy. With red robe, It was a perfect tool to help me hide my true self. No need of artificial help to fake kindness, love, generosity, compassion & so on when I'd a red robe. Ordained as monk, wearing red robe, I am socially categorised into a being who've sacrificed for sentient beings. And I was literally taking a refuge in such a treatment, enjoying ill-gotten-gains. Ups and downs life passes fast. At the end of a day what is counted? 

I am good at borrowing things 'coz there is nothing I own it myself. Nothing. Whether Socrates said it or not, as is my habit, today too, I would like to borrow a beautiful line "don't talk of peace and love when you have a dead animal on your plate". Relating to quote thereof, ‘let me not talk of adopting a new changes when I've a bunches of undone and uncleaned old in me.’

If ever I need to change, it is not by bringing in new but by sorting out old dirty habits. For me that is a change too.