To Yangki, But Not Really

Dear Yangki,

One thing that seldom bothers me while writing is when I don't know how to start or where to end. Interestingly, I can gossip as much as you like in the middle. You are cordially invited to listen to my gossip.

Yangki, as I am writing a simple note to you, I am simultaneously breaking a promise I made to myself last night. I decided, and even told my friends, not to disturb me in any way for ten days, and I would live without contacting anyone. Things turned out otherwise. The main reason is that I have to submit my daily mantra chant when the concerned monks come during their scheduled time; in this case, I had to comply. Sharing some gossip now surely brings me relief for not getting the isolation I desired. Today, which is the third day, I completed one of the three mantras. It may sound strange, but I have much nonsense to share. To be precise, it is gossip! Please bear with me for a few minutes, even though you might have more meaningful tasks in your pipeline. 

On my first day, I woke up to the sound of a vajra bell and damaru, instead of my cell phone alarm, from a neighbor who lives downstairs. I reached for my phone to check the time, and unsurprisingly, it was near six o'clock. After tossing and turning for a few minutes, I managed to shake off my drowsiness. The alarm went off again, and I would have fallen back asleep if it hadn't been for the second reminder.

If there was something new to savor in the morning, it was a potato curry after almost a month for breakfast. I missed potatoes because, like most kids, I am still a potato lover. During my time as a cook (Soepen), during three weeks of voluntary service for Khen Rinpoche (or abbot to some), potatoes, onions, garlic, and pumpkin were never cooked due to health issues and religious beliefs. After enjoying the potato curry, I began my prayers and chanting.

Not long after I started chanting, a distant babble of conversation grew louder as it neared my dwelling, but I didn’t bother to intervene. One of them knocked on the door. They were highly learned monks accompanied by seniors. I nodded when the one who knocked asked if I was staying there. They left, and I felt frustrated. I craned my neck out the window to see if my neighbors were around, but no one was there. I hopped over to the window and locked the door from the outside, thinking no one would disturb me. But like Jerry to Tom, a second group came, and I overheard their conversation. I moved the curtains to let them know I was still inside. It wasn’t funny, by the way. There was no point in locking the door from the outside once they knew I was inside. A third group came and left. I unlocked the door from the outside, still feeling irritated.

My goal was to complete one mantra within three days, so I sped up my efforts from the second day. I wrote my name on a piece of paper and pasted it on the door, hoping to avoid interruptions like the day before. But the more I chanted, the less my mouth could manage. My thumb started aching after running over the beads hundreds and thousands of times. I felt like sleeping. Oh no! Maybe Mara was trying to thwart me? Above all, it is my untamable mind that needs attention. I couldn’t control it for even a few seconds. The harder I tried, the tougher it became. In a fraction of a second, my mind took me on the longest adventures I’ve ever traveled and ever will. Friends I departed from long ago, food I tasted in the past, places I visited, pranks I played, services I rendered, love I received, beauty I witnessed – all vividly resurfaced and triggered an adrenaline rush. I was alone in the room but fully engaged by my mind. The other friends I had were four statues: Sakyamuni Buddha placed on the top rack, and below, from left to right, Vajrasattva, Guru Nangsi Zilnön, and Avalokiteshvara. I watched them as if they were going to talk to me.

Honestly, I signed out of all my social network accounts except for WeChat and my blog, just to stay judiciously connected. In this way, I don't know what’s happening outside. No, I’m not Googling either. You won’t believe it, but I can still faintly hear my neighbor’s TV, though it requires focus. Since I chose to distance myself from any news, whenever I hear "Corona…" on BBS from downstairs, I chant louder – even louder if the sound is clear. For this reason, I am unaware of the current coronavirus cases. I hope and pray that everything will resume from where it left off. May it be a good and great leap, my dear.

Dear Yangki, I regret to say I’ve shared everything in a nutshell. I’m sorry, but most of my gossip remains untold. I didn’t lie, though. I won’t regret not revealing it all – believe me, too much honesty isn’t always good. Some stories aren’t meant to be disclosed, remember that.

Sitting the whole day between four walls, with thoughts racing through my mind uncontrollably and gossip popping up, perhaps it’s my responsibility to share it with you individually, Yangki.

Take care. See you soon.

Thank you,

Jamyang Loden.