The Pain of Losing

Dear Ata, just wanted to say goodbye once more. 

I don't know how to say. I —I —I’m…….I don't know how to begin. Still then, I'm pretending to be okay. Day has never been same since you left us. I hope and pray that you’re fine wherever your fate has taken. As I'm writing, with eyes full of tears, I’m controlling my breath as well. 

Alas! Maybe this is part of what life is all about. 

I was receiving Chandrakriti’s Madhayamaka when I heard the news that you were admitted to hospital. This treatise is an assertionlessness, which means it doesn't allow us to fall into the trap of existence, non-existence, both and neither of the two. (Those of you who do not know madhyamaka and logic-epistemology, first you'll have to understand and make yourself well versed with the conventional terms of these broad subjects, hence I'll not elaborate beyond this.) I was amongst 27 others for the session but my mind was out of class. I couldn't concentrate thinking about you. When this profound dharma, labeled the king of all treatise, couldn't console me, I thought, nothing would help me at that point of a time. I know some of you'll not like cliché even then as mentioned thereof, this is life and you don't have right to steer, so I kept moving according to what life has to offer. Adjustment, that's what I've read in some books and applied out of no choice in such a situation. 

I still remember the day when I went to Thimphu to attend my sick brother. It was 22nd June  2021, my friend was driving a car and in law was at the back seat, I was next to a driver, playing music’s. Of course we found ourselves completely okay externally but only the god knows what was going deep inside us. Personally I was going through mixed feelings. No sooner did we reach Thimphu than my in-law received a call and she told me that a patient was admitted to ICU ( Intensive Care Unit). My only wish at that moment was to see my brother for one last time while he was still breathing, for that to happen I had to wait until next day, we spent night at cousin sister’s house. 

We couldn't tell our mom about ICU fearing she might have to go through additional suffering as she has completed half of the 8 days quarantine at one of the hotels in Gelephu. Anyways she told us that she knew few days later from one of her relatives but she chose to remain silently. She also narrated us how quarantine has affected common people during emergencies. 

Out of many quarantine related stories, I found two stories touching, this incident actually boosted my mother's energy, that's what she told me. There was a middle aged man from Laya undergoing same quarantine procedures. If you remember, due to landslide and flashfloods caused by heavy rainfall 10 Layap’s lost their lives. The man lost his family members in that tragic incident and was bound to reach and attend funeral rites but no way. 

Another man from Tsirang expected to reach during his father's crematorium but 8 days was too long. He told my mother and other people that everything will be finished by the time he manage to reach home. 

My son is still alive, my mother thought and made herself stronger amid the toughest time's of her life. 

The next day I did a covid test to get permission to enter hospital, later in the afternoon exchanged with my second elder brother who stayed for more than month as an attendant of our sickly brother. I entered a room, knew it as ICU attendees without asking anybody, I was ushered near the door by the eldest in-law but one of the lady, who later became little closer as she was a relative of my friend, requested my in-law to arrange my bedding in their line since they respected my red robe. By the way I felt little uncomfortable to sleep in between the women as I have taken a celibacy vow. Nevertheless I didn't feel guilty for it was situational factors which forced me. I didn't have choice as I believed I was a guest for the first few nights. After two days I found a place in the corner where I met an acquaintance who was IT officer in one of the Ministries. Later we would share our views on buddhism. I felt sad for him too as he lost his mom who was bedridden for more than years supported by ventilation. As promised he texted me two months later about the demise of his mom.

In the ICU attendant is allowed to visit patient after every 3 hours but not exceeding five times in a day. It starts from 5:30 a.m. and ends at 10 p.m. All you've to do is feeding and cleaning. 

When I visited ICU for the first time, I was nervous at the same time feard. I wasn't sure how to face myself to someone who's close to me but I made myself strong enough to face as I believe in the mantra of expect the unexpected. When I entered the corridor along with dozens of attendants I saw them walking barefoot after keeping their slippers in a rack, I did the same, I could hear the noise of machines as if they're were pumping something followed by other beeping sounds. Few moments later I saw the patients, they were unconsciously kept in the bed. I couldn't recognize my brother at that instant. When I did, he wasn't my brother. Sorry but honestly, that's how I noticed. I slowly walked towards him. I couldn't handle. I looked at fellow attendants, I could only feel my trembling feet, saw them cleaning and doing other related works. Once again I carefully looked at my brother in disbelief, I could feel the pain, relate myself with him, my eyes were filled with tears, I couldn't greet him properly. So I slipped out of room and sent in-law in my place. For next 10 days I went once in a day or sometimes I didn't go even once. It felt like machines have started to irritate my ears. Those noises have power to make you sick even if you're fit. 

During my stay in the hospital I spent my time reciting prayers for the sick people. I visited wards, although hospital has restrictions, tried interacting with some, gave them blessed strings (sungkey) and jinlab. Learned different level of life seeing such patients. 

I saw failures and success!  

On 4th July 2021, my brother left us, forever. For the first time in my life I witnessed something that would strike everyone of us one day or another. Prior to this, I saw people mourning, I've heard about the passing of somebody's parents, friends, sibling, teacher, student, boss, nephew, uncle, aunty, cousin, loving friend so on and on, never thought this would come soon upon us. The habitual tendencies has obscured truth and I was lost into it. 

My brother, those mathematics and computer skills I learned from you have become obsolete by now but the biggest teaching I'll value throughout my life is impermanence of this human body that I learned from you. 

I can sum up everything about life like what Robert Frost said, it goes on. It is painful to leave close one but it is quite another thing when our close one leaves us. Everytime I think of you, I pray for you, I pray for beings. 

In absence of death I would have never known the essence of birth.